How To Ask For What You Need In A Relationship Without Being Bossy

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Couple getting closer and talking

It’s not fair or healthy to try to get your needs met by attempting to control others. Doing so is the ultimate symptom of insecurity. Instead, others respond to you in kind by being true to yourself and focusing on your growth and well-being.

You teach others how to treat you by the way you treat yourself. We shall never strive to control others but rather to control ourselves. Controlling oneself is the essence of personal mastery.

The greatest public figures in all disciplines and walks of life, such as Bruce Lee, Nelson Mandela, and Rosa Parks, mastered the art of self-control. It was their self-mastery that allowed them to influence others.

Assess each relationship in your life and decide its overall purpose. Do you seek a mate? A close friend? Someone who will support you in big life events?

No one person can meet your needs, nor is it healthy to be cloistered and forgo various relationships in your life. The closer a person is to your inner circle, the greater your needs in that relationship.

You have more frequent and intimate interactions, impacting each other’s lives more. It’s important to be selective of your closest relationships. Yet, no one will always meet your needs or please you.

It’s not always easy to determine your boundaries and standards. If the relationship benefits your life more than it drains your energy, it’s beneficial. If not, it’s time to move on.

You create your life experience. If you choose to be in a relationship with someone, it’s up to you to get what you need. Even if a relationship is a short-term experience that taught you to set better boundaries. Every relationship helps you move closer to a better one.

RELATED: 9 Signs You're Waaay Too Bossy In Your Relationship

If you want to seek a satisfying long-term relationship and learn how to get what you need in a relationship, follow these 10 steps.

How To Ask For What You Need In a Relationship.

1. Know what you need.

Knowing your endpoint is how you get there, like a designated destination on a map. Knowing your needs can take time and experience, especially in intimate relationships.

One of the ways we discover what we need is by the absence of it in our past relationships.

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2. Make sure that the person with whom you choose to be in a relationship has the ability and desire to meet your needs.

If you seek a romantic relationship, determine your top five needs and only accept a person who meets these needs. If not, you’re setting yourself up for insanity!

3. Be clear about the purpose of the relationship.

The overall purpose of every relationship is to increase your capacity to love. Beyond that, clearly articulate the main reasons you’d like the relationship.

4. Find something outside the relationship that means a lot to both of you and focus on it together.

This shared focus is something greater than you, individually. It could be your child, your religion, a sport or activity, a charity, etc.

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5. Express your gratitude when the other person meets your needs.

Doing so lifts your spirit and attracts more of the same.

6. Pick your top three favorite qualities of the other person and seek them out regularly.

Rather than focusing on their frustrating habits, milk them for their wonderful qualities! For example, if one of their best qualities is their sense of humor, get them talking about a funny topic.

7. Let the other person know when you see they are trying to meet your needs.

Doing so expands your limited beliefs about them and increases your ability to receive love. The more love you allow yourself to receive, the more love the universe can deliver.

8. Make it about your needs, not what they are doing wrong.

When you find yourself obsessing or trying to control the other person, bring the focus back to yourself, your goals, and making yourself happy.

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9. Set personal boundaries to avoid being triggered.

Avoid placing yourself in situations with that person that you know upsets you. All humans have quirks and personality deficiencies. Create a safe place, and don’t take their behavior personally.

10. Acknowledge your weaknesses.

If you focus on the other person’s shortcomings, make sure you spend equal energy on your weaknesses. This step brings you out of your ego and into unity.

It also helps you to stop focusing on others to distract you from your pain and issues.

RELATED: 5 Ways To Figure Out What You Really Need In A Relationship

Heather Hans, LCSW, MBA is a Public Speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Intuitive Coach, Holistic Healer and author of The Heart of Self-Love.