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You deserve better.
By Renee Wade — Updated on Feb 02, 2023
It might seem arrogant to deem someone as having low value, or low mate value.
And, it’s not easy to be the ‘mean’ girl, sitting there, evaluating a man’s mate value.
By mate value, I mean the signs that show a man’s overall value as a romantic partner. It also refers to his potential reproductive success. For example, a strong, confident man would most likely have more reproductive success than an unhealthy, lazy, unconfident man.
I know it seems unfair. But without me even saying it, we all make decisions to be romantically involved with someone based on how much value that person presents. It happens everywhere around the world.
And the best thing about it is that mate value can be influenced within ourselves. Our mate's value can go up or down if we want it to, and so can a man’s. And women owe it to themselves, to evolution, and to other women around them, watching her as an example, to choose good men.
No need to feel guilty about judging whether or not a man is low-value. Men evaluate women harshly too — and men understand naturally that when they invest in a mate (i.e., make a commitment), she'd better be freaking good.
This is not our choice. It’s what we naturally want when we date: High value for our investment. A good catch, basically. No man wants to willingly put his emotions, money, time, energy, and resources into a woman who wants to show up low value.
Likewise, women don’t want to invest their time, energy, money, resources, and emotions in a man who shows up low value.
The world isn’t always kind. And that’s okay. It’s okay to talk about mate value, and it’s okay to learn about what makes a human male or female, high or low value. Especially when dating, you are always evaluating a man for his value to you anyway — in the world of love, this is a harsh truth that we cannot escape.
We don’t want someone with low value, only because it doesn’t serve us — and it doesn’t serve the future generation.
Now, every woman has different preferences. While one woman might want the leading males of the social group, others want a more submissive, softer male. Either is appealing to different women for different reasons.
Some women, they don’t feel like they are deserving of the type of man they truly want, so they pretend they don’t want him.
Hopefully, this helps you make an authentic decision about what your body truly wants in a man. It’s okay to hold yourself as high value and not say: “I’ll take any man. Beggars can’t be choosers.”
The man you choose is the most important decision you’ll ever make. And that is for the quality of your life! It will influence your future health and happiness, and consequently, the future health and happiness of all your family and friends.
Disclaimer: a man can exhibit one or two of these seeming red flags and still be a high-value mate. Sometimes, he has a bad day or a bad period in his life. However, if a man continually exhibits two or more of these signs, he doesn't know how to be a good boyfriend.
At the end of the day, don’t force a relationship for the sake of it, when you know in your body that you don’t trust him.
If you chronically don’t trust him, chances are, other women won’t either.
7 signs of a low value man
1. He can’t tolerate you saying ‘no.'
Now, to be clear: it requires a good woman, who is not in a fearful state, to interpret properly; whether he truly cannot tolerate your ‘no’.
Sometimes, we mistake a man’s intentions. This means that you unintentionally put your own meaning upon a man’s actions, and this is an entirely normal, human thing to do. And you could have been doing this throughout all your dating experiences, not realizing that there are consequences to grossly misinterpreting men’s intentions.
So how do you really know if he can tolerate your ‘no’ or not?
First of all, tell him ‘no’ whilst being totally connected to him. Don’t do it for the sake of seeming higher value.
As a woman, it’s easy to misinterpret a man’s response in that particular moment, fearful or afraid of truly connecting with him or even just judgemental. In effect, we think he can’t tolerate it, but we pulled away from him emotionally before we could even have a chance to truly feel whether he is willing to accept our ‘no’.
So, provided you are totally present with a man, and he is totally present with you — if you say ‘no’ to being touched or grabbed, or say no to anything else, and he just gets angry at you for not giving him what he wants, then you can be pretty sure he’s being low value.
If, in response to your boundaries, or saying ‘no’; he wants to bring you down for it, and can’t engage lovingly and playfully with you, or even laugh in enjoyment with you when you say ‘no’, then he might well have low mate value.
2. He puts you down.
It’s not only silly people like me who say this — scientists say it too. Putting a woman down is an insecure, low-value man’s way of trying to keep her chained to him; reducing her self-esteem; making her feel like her ‘other options’ in men out there are limited.
The more a man can make a woman doubt herself, the more likely a small man can make his woman feel small too. And boom! He’s secured his reproductive future. As I said, it’s not just me, some of the world’s most powerful researchers have discovered this by studying humans in the dating market.
Women can get stuck in this situation because (in general, there are exceptions), we tend towards feeling guilty more than men do — and some men sense this about women and can play on it.
They keep you hooked on a relationship with them by inducing guilt in you. Don’t play that game. Instead, poke him in the eye and run.
I’m kidding. Just run.
What’s bad about this trait of low value in men is not necessarily that the man has this trait — it’s the fact that many women tolerate it. You get what you tolerate; so be an inspiration, don’t tolerate being treated like a piece of shit on his shoe.
3. He is overly concerned about his image.
Everything is for show. I have trouble trusting men like this; as he’s not self-contained and of substance, even if he has the potential to be. And every man has the potential to be.
How can you trust a man who spends more energy painting an image than he spends in his actual business? How can you trust a man who spends more energy defending himself than he does revealing himself?
Often, a man who is image-focused, can’t stay connected, because he’s too afraid and feels too unworthy. He’s focused on the image because he thinks that will make him worthy of connection.
This is not negative. This is being aware — we are mammals and have survival and sex driving us. Some of us are more driven by these things than others.
Don’t fall for the image. Some men will risk almost anything, for sex and for the appearance of status; and status is still for sex and power. And the men who don’t feel they have a lot of options will approach sex and women as if it’s the last time they’ll ever get it.
I know none of this sounds very nice, but it is important that you are aware. With knowledge, you become powerful. As a woman, you naturally hold a lot of power when it comes to relationships, men, and sex. Add to that knowledge of men, and you’ve got more power than is fair, really.
The good thing is, a lot of men also don’t do things like this; there are lots of men out there who are deeply into commitment, and partnership. Just because it’s in the limbic system doesn’t mean all men actually operate this way day to day.
4. He always chooses low-value friends.
Sometimes, out of fear, he will chronically choose less-than-average friends. That is to say that he hangs with friends who are at the same level or below him. Sometimes it is because he feels mediocre, and because of that, his ego feels afraid at the thought of associating with people who are ‘ahead’ of him.
Look for whether he’s open to opportunities to befriend high-value, high-status men. The key is his level of openness to befriend men that are more successful than him.
Just because he has deadbeat friends doesn’t 100% mean he is being low-value. He could be in transition, from certain friends to new friends, or he could be trying to influence his friends to become better.
There are men out there who purposefully never make friends with men who are better than them; as he doesn’t feel good enough, and wants to hide from the reality and the challenge of making something of their life.
Now if you’ve got a really great man, it’s inevitable that at some stage, some of his friends might not be as accomplished or as genuine as he is and that’s normal.
5. He is quick to criticize other men and women.
When we feel like we’re not enough and not striving for more we want to put others down. And we put others down because we need to maintain our place of comfort. If we brought others up instead, we’d have to acknowledge that the place we’re at is not ideal, and sometimes, that’s too painful.
Putting others down is the tool of a man who feels scared, who doesn’t want change, who likes to stay small, and who sees the world from a place of scarcity. Other people’s success is at odds with his own.
I believe a truly successful man (or woman) is willing to learn from others; and knows that if someone else does well, it is an indication of what is possible for him, too.
6. He is stingy, not just to you, but to other people as well.
You don’t want a man who is so out of touch that he is not attuned to your feelings. Instead, pours out all his money and lavishes you with gifts — without really knowing you; but attempting to buy your love.
You also don’t want a man who is so out of sync with you that he seems to withhold everything of value: connection, attention, and money for example.
Ideally, you want a man gradually becoming more generous with you as he opens up to feeling safe enough to share his resources. But, sometimes we unknowingly get involved with a man who is stingy in general.
This really isn’t about money. If a man is not generous to any degree, what is this a reflection of? It’s a reflection of how he feels about the world, and the resources available in the world, and it’s a sign that he doesn’t feel confident taking charge and being resourceful.
Of course, we can forgive a younger man for this trait, because sometimes it takes time to learn not to be stingy. Unfortunately, some men do hold on to their stinginess.
A man who doesn’t feel very capable will be more stingy. A man who isn’t generous keeps himself small. If he is stingy, he may not be a very resourceful man, as well. There are exceptions, of course, and it is contextual. So if a man was once stingy, it doesn’t mean he will always be stingy.
Of course, there are degrees/levels of generosity. He doesn’t have to pour out his money, attention, time, or intellectual thoughts like water out of a tap. It’s about his openness to sharing a piece of himself or what he has.
It’s up to you to gauge what level of generosity you’re comfortable with. A woman who is okay with a man being stingy is letting him stay small, and it will also influence you — if you spend enough time with him, she will also stay small and think small.
7. You sometimes feel physically ill at the thought of sleeping with him.
Your body doesn’t lie. And I don’t mean because he has food in his teeth or bad breath. No need to stay with a man because your logical thoughts think you should be more ‘open’ to the idea of giving more men a chance. No need to be too nice.
If all else about him is A-grade, but you can’t sleep with him without feeling sick, then all you’re really doing is trading sex for his resources.
Nothing wrong with that, many women have made it work like that in the past, and then dumped the man. Just remember though, that mate value for a man includes three umbrella factors: Genetic value, provide value, and spiritual value. Now, genetic value includes health, and provider value includes things like social value, and generosity.
Either way, a man can have great spiritual value and provider value, and be of below-average looks, and a woman wouldn’t mind.
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Renee Wade is the founder of The Feminine Woman.
This article was originally published at The Feminine Woman. Reprinted with permission from the author.