Health And Wellness

Men With Small Balls Have Bigger Hearts, Says Science

Photo: Asier Romero / Shutterstock
man holding flowers

For men, having big balls is just as important as having a big penis.

If you have big balls you're, well, ballsy, and being ballsy means being fearless, a real man who can take on the world, and a force with which only fools would mess! You've never heard a man say, "Gee whiz, I really wish I had some small balls. That would be nice."

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Well, ladies and gents, bigger is hardly always better, and if you're looking to procure a dude who's sensitive, loyal and a great father, a man with small balls is the way to go.

According to science, men with small balls have bigger hearts.

A group of scientists decided to get together and study balls. (I mean, someone has to do it if we're to uncover the secrets of the testes.) The 70 men, between the ages of 21 and 55 of varying ethnicities, and all fathers of toddler-aged kids, were subjected to ball sizing and nurturing tendencies.

What the scientists found was that there is a definite correlation between the two, and it's those with big balls that you may want to avoid if you're looking for the real deal.

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This isn't to suggest that all men with big balls make lousy fathers, it's just that they're less hands-on, and aren't exactly jumping off the couch mid-football game to bathe or feed their kid. If they get up from that lounging position, those big balls won't be able to scratch themselves, and then the balls will be sad.

The study wanted to examine the evolutionary theory that animals are either made for breeding or nurturing. I

f the testes are on the larger end of the spectrum, the men inherently want to drop off their sperm, then sit back and relax.

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However, men who don't have to tote their balls around in a wheelbarrow, and may have even had a hard time sowing their seeds, are more inclined to put effort into raising a child, because why waste energy on mating if those sperm aren't exactly Ryan Lochte when released?

Takeaway? Depending on what you're looking for in a guy, you should probably become just as obsessed with ball size as every dude you've likely to have ever met.

I can't give you the exact circumference you should be looking for, but I can say that when you Google "big balls," you will be both perplexed and horrified. Spare yourself the agony, and don't take that route in educating yourself in ball size. The trial-and-error method is probably best.

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Amanda Chatel is a writer who divides her time between NYC and Paris. She's a regular contributor to Bustle and Glamour, with bylines at Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Livingly, Mic, The Bolde, Huffington Post, and others.