I Pretended To Have An Affair

I used to date this really amazing man whom I really cared about. We didn't always understand each other but we were happy and really in love. That's why it's hard to not think about him now that he is not there anymore.

Things were not always good beetween us. We fought, broke stuff, we argued every good day. It was a constant battle trying to keep the relationship alive. To be honest, at that time I was getting sick of repeating the same disc all over again. After three years he still loved me and was sure he wanted to spend his life with me but I wasn't sure about that and could not imagine a life of constant battle.

That's when I had a very silly idea: make him think I was having an affair with a common friend of ours. My friend agreed and helped me with my plan. He dropped me home at late hours, we went out in public together so my boyfriend could hear about it. When my boyfriend heard about it he asked me and I told him how sorry I was, but that I was in love with someone else.

It wasn't easy. He begged, he asked me to try and forget that other person, he even tried to get violent with my male friend, but I stuck to my plan believing it was the best thing for both of us. Finally left, telling me how much he hated me.

At first I enjoyed my freedom, but now not so much. It's been six months and something just became clear: I still love him and i always will. All I've been doing all this while is trying to replace him with any guy that comes my way. I have been surviving but I am loosing all my strenght. The more I fight my feelings the more they become stronger like a wound in my chest. I really don't know how long I can keep seeming like I'm OK.

I haven't seen him all this while. I am unable to tell him how I feel because he has moved on. He will never take me back and never believe it was just a silly plan. I know him so well and we are not going to be together anymore. Winning Him Back: Should You Do It?

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What I've found out is this: don't ever let go of the person you love so dearly because the felling is unbearable. Here's what happens if you do.

1- You can't find closure for something you destroyed with your own hands.
2- You eventually find out that letting him go was the worst mistake you ever made.
3- Every day you seek a different goal in life, just hoping something will fill that emptiness.
4- Sometimes you want to scream it out, tell somebody, tell him that you love him, always have and always will.
5- Everything you do is centered unconsciously on that special person.
6- You hate yourself for what you did to him. You can't trust yourself anymore.
7- You never give your best to those you date, which makes it impossible for you to hold on to a real relationship. Deep down the only person you ever want to be in a relationship with is him.
8- You lie to yourself that you are in love with every guy that comes your way, wishing it could come to pass and maybe you could be free of this awful feeling.
9- Deep down you hope that maybe someday you will be back with your loved one. You know it is impossible but still won't accept the truth.
10- You cry sometimes when reality hits you, but you dry your tears telling yourself there is hope, that there is a chance...

This is how I have been feeling and it ain't fun. How do I get the courage to speak up when I know the answer? Then how do I move on with my life? I haven't had a life since he left.